Wednesday, April 20, 2011

One Day at a Time

It's not the worst thing, perchance, to dream a little. I'm sure you've all wrought—or heard—countless stories that begin, “When I win the lottery, I'm gonna ...” Then we get to listen to sagas about private jets, secluded isles (complete with servants and tropical drinks served in coconuts) and slow dancing with Anne Hathaway.

Another classic is the wish list: condoning things that are illegal, immoral or fattening (with a nod to Lord Chesterfield). Mine would be cheese.

My boy CD has a good ice-breaker, The Eccentric Billionaire Game. The premise: “What crazy thing would you do if an eccentric billionaire offered you as million bucks, tax-free?” Then each person tries to outdo the next. I said I would listen to Rachael Ray giggle at me for an hour straight. I didn't win.

No, bloggees, my dreams are more Lilliputian. I think we should have more National Days of Stuff. Or non-stuff. For instance, today (4/16) is National Eggs Benedict Day. Square Biz. I'm saving you the trouble of looking this up. Other Days are devoted to: eight-track tapes, something on a stick and bad poetry.

Of course, I take a negative tack: Once a year, we get succor from not having something … or someone drag more ennui into our lives. Herewith, the PCI version.

National Right Lane Day: every driver who eschews right-hand exit-only lanes, storms up to the offramp and tries to sneak in will be pulled over. And get boots on their Range Rovers. As an adjunct, the Stevie Wonder-designed (or was it M. C. Escher?) traffic circle at Exit 24 on the JDL Tpke. would be closed.

National Concession Recession Day: All concession stands, everywhere, must charge normal retail prices for goods. Beers at Yankee Stadium will be three bucks. And half that for a lukewarm bilge-water dog. The Dan Blocker bucket o' popcorn at Cinema OneTwoMany: $2.00.

National Restaurant Mono-language Day: All servers in every public eatery must speak English to customers. This includes Le Chateau du Merde and Wan Hung Lo's as well as Burger Schlock. Imagine the packed drive-thrus!

National Don't Go There Day: The following shopworn pronouncements can take a day off: “It is what it is,”; “Are you still here?”; “Have a good one,”; “All set?”; “Same-old, same-old,” and, of course, “Don't go there.”

National Abolish Sin Tax Day: Instead of holding our tootsies over the Weber with ridiculous excise taxes, we'd get a day off. So light up, fill up and booze out. Just not all at once.

National Give Oprah a Rest Day: The ubiquitous Ms. W. would be banned from all media, including reruns. I am contemplating similar days for Brent Musberger, Stevie Nicks and Bill Cosby.

National Truth in Advertising Day: For example, Jenny Craig would have to say: “You'll gain it back, tubby.” McDonald's: “You deserve a stent today.” Lexus: “The relentless pursuit of Stepford Wives.” You get it.

National Adam Richman Eats a Salad Day: This is sheer practicality. The poor guy is going to burst someday. Man vs. Cardiologist, if you will.

National NFL No-preening Day: One game a year, if you're dancing in the end zone, an opposing steroid-laden linebacker can still hit you. Hard.

National Go Home and Change Day: Banned: shorts in cold weather, visible thongs (not the footwear), jutting navels, and, just for good measure, Uggs.

National Bloggers' Endowment Day: I don't ask for much. Perhaps that Lexus.

Your move, irregulars.

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