[AceNote: Someone is guaranteed to be offended by this screed. Bring it on!]
First off, that Olympic song they play (which is actually “Bugler's Dream” by Leo Arnaud—who says I don't do research?) needs some words:
Come watch the swell Olympics
It's on tv no matter how much it's delayed
Just Yanks, perhaps some allies
Plenty of ads and wacky games are played
[then the fast part]
The 'Lympics, the 'Limpics, it's time for the Olympics [repeat]
Then you've the John Williams ponderous fanfare that seems cribbed from a medley of his 839 movie themes, perfectly sanitized for your ennui. Meh.
I especially like the marginal events, such as croquet, macramé and speed barbecuing. These folks get the spotlight only quadrenially, so they deserve some juice. I even go for the dressage (which name Harvey Fierstein must have concocted), which is like a dance scene from a Gilbert and Sullivan work, except on horses. These athletes must be lauded for giving up two weeks of prime time on the Vineyard and the Hamptons to starch their spines and compete for the yew ess of ay.
Other sports could use some alterations, methinks. In fencing, take away the pads and use real swords. Draw blood and you get a point; take someone out and you win. Think of what they'll save on all that electronic crap the contestants wear now. Plus, you'll see real swashbucklers: Think Errol Flynn and Ty Power, not some fancypants preppies.
Adding the cannonball to the diving would eliminate some of the nancy boys in that sport. Hold the swimming in the same venue as the whitewater canoeing and you'll save another bundle on chlorine alone.
On that note, bring back women's softball and send the Brakettes as our reps.
And yes, every gymnastics has its darling ever since Jim McKay drooled over Nadia Comaneci in 1976; this year it's Gabby Douglas, who's a dang mile winsomer than Gabby Hayes. What would happen if a champ had a zit-laden face and a schnozz like Marge Hamilton as WWW? Would she still “capture our hearts?”
Now, for improvements: I think there should be separate audio feeds where announcers actually speak the truth. Some examples:
“That dive bit the big weenie, Joe.”
“Sprinter Billy Bob Carbuncle has the biggest collection of child porn in the Olympic Village.”
“Of course, swimmer Stephanie Gidget would have fared better if she hadn't had those eleven Jaeger Bombs at the King's Arms last night.”
“When she's not competing, shotputter Bertha Brobdingnag enjoys female stonemasons, Cuban panetelas and truck pulls.”
“Lookit the size of that ass.”
And the like.
I also deem we could do with some additional sports. Herewith:
- Synchronized skateboard
- Wal-Mart Black Friday snatch-and-grab
- Half-pipe wheelchairs
- An all-NBA spelling bee
- Full-contact karaoke
- Nude kayaking
… and events to help certain special-interest groups win:
- Accounting (Israel)
- Speed Guinness (Ireland)
- Silent bocce (er, no; this would disqualify the Italians)
- Senseless guitar jams (Deadheads)
- Sprint to a Royal Caribbean buffet (seniors)
Gotta love dem 'Lympics. Every four years, something for everyone, except that Japanese hurdler who botched his first jump.