My Commencement Address

Prologue: I can't remember many speeches, especially those delivered in Ecuador-hot auditoriums, that have made less sense than commencement addresses. The theme is always the same: "Reach for the stars"; "You can do it"; "Love what you do" and myriad other vacuous Hallmarkian platitudes. After all, students can't wait for all this folderol to be over, get their sheepskin, insult a faculty member, pose briefly for photos, ditch the parents and go for Jaeger bombs with classmates.

Since no institution in its right mind will ever give me a podium and microphone, much less ask me to drone on for graduates, herewith my version of the ideal commencement philippic.

My Commencement Address, 2013

Dear graduates: Go make something.