Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Our Survey Says ...

I'm not usually all about online surveys. This one is cribbed from a HuffPost article about 35 things that engaged couples should agree upon. Since I have no desire to be engaged, I thought it would be perfect for me to indulge. All answers are true ... or close to it.

    Does the toilet paper go over or under the roll?
    Over. But no big deal.
    Cats? Dogs? Both?
    Neither, for now. Like cats better.
Can you eat breakfast for dinner?
Absolutely. Especially omelets.
Cold pizza: yes or no?
Yesiree. Especially from Beverly Pizza in Black Rock.
Is it acceptable to open presents as they arrive or do you have to wait for the actual birthday or holiday?
Should the dirty forks and knives go in the dishwasher with the handle sticking out of the utensil tray or down in the utensil tray?
Handle up, so you remove it hygienically.
Is it acceptable to leave dishes in the sink to "soak" overnight, or do they need to be cleaned before bed?
Soak. Especially if postprandial canoodling is involved.
Toothpaste: cap on or cap off?
Again on the toothpaste: roll it from the bottom or just squeeze really hard?
Both. First squeeze hard. Then roll up as it gets lower. This technique can be used in many situations.
Are towels a one-time use item or do you use the same towel until laundry day?
I air-dry towels properly so I can reuse.
How about washcloths?
Simply put: They shkeeve me. My sea sponge is my sole ablution implement.
Road trip or flying?
Road trip unless destination involves crossing water.
What's the right thread count for sheets?
Flannel. All cotton. I ain't counting.
What brand of toilet paper?
Mayo or Miracle Whip?
MW got its name because it is a miracle than anyone would eat that shit. This would be a deal-breaker for me. Addendum: Duke's mayo, if you can find it.
Pepsi or Coke?
I don't drink soda.
Can you eat the holiday candy out in the display bowl or must it be left there for display?
First off, I don't say “holiday” instead of the day's/season's actual name. I rarely eat candy and have never displayed it.
What is YOUR definition of camping?
Very simple. In no particular order:
  • a secure, cozy cabin, fenced in to deter varmints
  • no farther than five miles from shopping, excellent food and drink, and a decent liquor store
  • excellent central heat and A/C
  • a real fireplace, preferably with a plush rug nearby for secret moments
  • a massive TV in great room with cable/sat, DVR and full collection of DVDs that aren't The Sound of Music
  • smaller version of same in huge bedroom, which, by the way, has an outdoor porch with famously scenic views, perfect for breakfast
  • a Brobdingnagian bed for separate, sound sleep OR spooning, with aforementioned flannel sheets and umpteen pillows for fort-making
  • a bath and a half, the small one for me to get busy; the other has shower, Jacuzzi and shvitz with plenty of room for two
  • a gourmet kitchen with an AGA stove, Viking appliances and a pantry stocked from Balducci's
  • a wet bar, with Pilsner Urquell on tap, a nice selection of Pinots Noir, and a hogshead of Woodford Reserve bourbon
That's all.
Turn the thermostat down when you go out or leave it alone?
Down, of course. Like I own an oil company?
At what point is a garbage bag too full to stuff more trash in it?
Five minutes before removal folk arrive.
How many times is it acceptable to hit the snooze button?
I don't own an alarm clock. So there.
Thrift store shopping: great deals or gross?
Great deals. Dollar and “junk” stores, too. I revel in them.
How far in advance is it OK to plan a vacation?
One hour.
Restaurant reservations: necessary or too restrictive?
If I'm going to get world-class food and service, I have no reservations about making reservations.
Roller coasters: love 'em or hate 'em?
They nauseate me. I don't believe in paying money to get sick and frightened. I don't actually HATE the devices, though. Honey, you can ride the Kevorkian Loopdy Loop (made in Latvia) all you want. I'll be in the beer garden.
More chocolate chips, less cookie or more cookie, less chips?
Meh. Okay, more cookie, fewer chips
How much orange juice must be left in the container for it to be returned to the fridge?
One deciliter. And I don't drink directly from the box, thank you.
Chip clips or just roll the bag up?
I use these guys, and then hang 'em by eyehooks. Ingenious, eh?
Call the doctor or just take some medicine at home?
See final camping note: Woodford Reserve is a world-class panacea.
Where is the prime location for the TV remote to stay?
Under my sofa blankie.
Is it OK to have a TV in the bedroom?
OK? It's mandatory. We can turn it off. But I might want to watch Masterpiece Theater while you're immersed in Glee.
Should folded clothes be put away, or is it OK to just pull as needed from the basket of clean laundry?
I prefer to stow clean clothes.
Do you need to write a grocery list or just wait until you're walking around the store to figure out what you need?
I could live happily without any sort of list.
Making the bed: must-do or waste of time because you're just going to get back in it?
Single: permissable. Couple: wait and see. What if, say, after a terrific breakfast and co-shower, we might want to revisit the sheets?
Is it OK to shave/clip toenails in the living room?

Never. I use the back porch for that. Finches love 'em.

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