… about women. This screed was inspired by this outstanding article from Emma Gray. Strap it on, buck up, and get with the program.
1. Stop thinking with your willy. If
all you expect from a partner is Sealy Calisthenics, you are proving
your shallowness. You'll never find out the true depth and beauty of
a woman by wrangling her onto the percale as soon as possible. Let it
be her idea, and then you'll both feel the magic. Addendum: If you
need it that badly, go to the Bang Kok rub 'n' tug.
2. Listen. This does not mean “obey.”
Especially when she wants to talk about the relationship. Turn the
game off (see # 9). Hold her close and let her talk. In the end,
you'll have a stronger bond. And, Mr.
Macho-Six-Pack-Hung-Like-Hillshire-Farms, this is what you really
want.
3. Appreciate the bifurcation of the sexes. Women are different than us, in myriad ways. Instead of
lamenting this, celebrate it. For instance, only women can say,
“Awwwww.” If you were down in the dumps, from whom would you rather
receive consolation (see # 14 ): your mega-farting buddy Sully or
the woman whom you love?
4. Ask her. Out on a date. For a kiss.
Her opinion. Not only will she appreciate this, but you'll find out
quickly whether she has sentenced you to Friend Prison or
not.
5. Lose the hoodie. Enough said.
6. Employ the mini-compliment. Lay off
the “you're the most beautiful, gush, gush, blah, blah” shit.
This is hyperbole. Notice the earrings, the hair (ESPECIALLY the
hair), the shoes. And yes, you like them. Every time. And don't wait
for her to mention the item at hand. Detect it, Sherlock. And don't
gush.
7. Cook. This does NOT mean grill. Any
Natty-Light-swilling idiot can do this. Start with easy dishes (not
Ragu!) and work your way up. Yes, this can be used as a ploy, but
think bigger. Many women I've known would rather enjoy your veal
marsala with a nice Pinot than go to Chez Fancypants. The only time
this backfired on me was when a woman told me she was intimidated by
my knife skills. Sic transit gloria mundi.
8. Beware of alcohol. Especially in the
beginning. Feel this out with her. Do not drag her down to Filthy
McNasty's on the first date. Too many times, I have seen a woman
toying with her Chard at a table while Datey and his slovenly boys,
fueled by multiple Jaeger Bombs, debate the worth of Eli Manning at
the rail. See # 9. As far as recreational drugs go, you're on your
own.
9. Tame your sports obsessions. Am I
saying stop supporting your team? No. But putting your life in
total-stop mode to watch endless games can rupture a blossoming
relationship. Perhaps she has a favorite game you both can enjoy. If
she understands you (and yes, you can foster this by being open with
her), going with the guys on an occasional outing won't be such a big
whup. Plus: You're, say, 45. Do you really need that $275
custom-lettered official jersey? For the same price, you two can go
to a B&B.
10. You can't buy her. Perhaps moneyed
investment bankers and washed-up film stars can do this, but it
doesn't last. Baubles, gewgaws and other impedimenta should be
avoided, especially early on. Too often, you'll embarrass her with
something she is hesitant to accept. Later on, surprise her with
something small and inexpensive. You'll get a laugh and a hug.
11. If she cares about you, she'll show
you. Meaning: Don't expect Sweetie to come out right away and tell
you anything romantic. Women are not conditioned to do this. Look at
the whole shebang as an adventure, not a chase. For example, on an
early date, my soon-to-be gal invited me in and, wordlessly, served
us a glass of wine. The same wine we had at our first dinner. Then I
knew that this was going to be a BIG ONE. And she was one of the
finest women I have ever known.
12. Don't make demands. Corollary to
#1. I know an absolutely wonderful woman whom I loved back in the
day. I guess I always will, in a way, because she is such a woman of
substance. We reconnected a few years ago, and it's been fabulous to
have her back in my life. One night she called me, sobbing, to tell
me about a guy she had been seeing. After a furious flurry of solid,
meaningful dates, he—out of the blue—demanded that they roll
about on the Serta. She tried to explain that she was enjoying this
nascent relationship but wasn't quite ready to conjugate the verb.
This douche-nozzle then abruptly announced this was a deal-breaker
and stormed away. If you act like this, stop reading this piece.
Right now.
13. Iron. The verb. Especially for her.
It's not cryogenics. My grandma taught me this, in about fifteen
minutes.
14. Compassion. I think this is one of
the most admirable traits anyone can espouse. She might just need a
hug, some soothing words … or your veal marsala. If you're both not
giving—and getting—this from your partner, something is awry.
15. Cuzzy. This is not my term; it's
via my old roomie, Johnny Dateless. It's a combination of snuggling,
holding, warming, with maybe a soupçon of osculation. Often, this is
just what she needs. Then you'll find out that you're not a wuss
because you enjoy it, too.
16. Be noble. Admit your faults without
over-apology. Find out what you've done wrong (which may prove
difficult) and fix it. Is it really going to kill you to pick up your
Jockeys off the floor and put them in the hamper? And if she errs,
accept her words, don't berate. Talk. Listen.
17. Remind her. Remind her that she is beautiful and loved. Every day. I wish I had known this when I was younger.
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