After
attending both the Teabagger Film Festival and its near/far pardner,
The Sensitivity Cinema Workshop, I have unearthed some fabulous
summer films. Each of them has been vetted for your protection and
promises to offend no one, except for some pantywaist liberals and
non-Christians. Herewith, my treasure trove.
Puff,
the Vegan Shark: Residents of touristy Enmity Island become
suspicious when two parts of young Toby Kintner show up on the beach.
Mayor Stu Fletcher (Ed O'Neill) suspects a shark is responsible and
is determined to have the beast dispatched. He hires grizzled old sea
captain Quint (Robert Duvall), who along with head cop Brody (Greg
Kinnear) and oceanographer Brandi Hooper (Pink), finds a great white
who has a fondness for arugula. When Brody and Hooper start
canoodling below deck, Quint sets them adrift in an inflatable, then
befriends Puff and follows the shark to a tropical island, where they
live out their days, frolicking in the mist. In the end it is
revealed that the psychotic Mrs. Kintner (Nora Dunn) bisected her
son.
The
Inglorious Sons o' Guns: Brad Pitt reprises his role as guerrilla
captain Aldo Raines, whose men love playing pranks on the local
Nazis. But on Christmas Day, the combatants get together and have an
extramural soccer game. Afterward, they all go to a movie and the
Sons o' Guns convert to Christianity. With Naomi Watts and Either
Bill Paxton or Bill Pullman.
Dances
with Caligula: A rollicking good time in ancient Rome as “da Lig”
(Fitty Cent) abolishes bacchanals and replaces them with some
busta-move dance parties. Featuring the Soul Train Gang and a special
guest spot by Cicely Tyson as “Ma Lig”. Music by Pharrell
Williams.
Searching
for Michael Moore: The first drama about the secret life of the
docu-king. In this gravitas-laden feature, Moore (Jonah Hill) decides
he needs some love in his life, and meets her in the form of Jolene
Przbylinski (Melissa McCarthy) in Hop Bottom, Pennsylvania. He moves
there and gets a job as a firearms instructor at the local high
school. He expands his talents to martial arts sensei, to help
kids combat local bullies. In the meantime, Moore keeps the local
paper-clip factory solvent by removing the greedy union and lowering
wages.
The
Touchables: Eliot Ness (Matthew McConaughey), famed Chicago
crimefighter, is out to get Al Capone (Scott Baio) for once and all.
But they meet by accident at a trattoria and Capone takes Ness
downstairs to sample some perky, svelte Montepulciano d'Abruzzo. The
men drink and hug, while Ness comes to the realization that The
Volstead act is useless. He leaves his wife and job and becomes a
wealthy “importer.”
Psyched!:
While on a field trip, Ms. Edna Van Dike (Jane Lynch) takes her high
school spelunking class to a swamp, where they find a half-buried
car. In the trunk is some newsprint swaddling a huge brick of cash.
As a storm strikes, they take cover at the nearby Bates Hotel, where
Norman Bates (Garry Shandling) treats the kids to sandwiches and
parlor games such as “Find the Peephole.” Everyone votes to use
the newfound money to spruce up the ratty hostelry and turn it into
the world's first overnight cheerleading camp. Even Norman, wearing
various frocks, gets into the act! Go, team, GO!
Scarsdale
Story: For years, the neighboring Funmere and Putzwood country clubs
have been at war in this tony community. Well, the latter was closed
on Saturdays—if you get my drift. But one night, Pembroke
Featherington (Toby Maguire) and Rhonda Feinstein (Fran Drescher)
meet by the boat house and boy, do the ecumenical sparks fly! Their
fathers (Robert Wagner and Gabe Kaplan) battle at first, until all
realize that both clubs are failing. The groups merge … and it's
croquet and lox for everyone! Music by Bono and Barry Manilow.
See
youse this summer, safely at the movies!
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