Restaurants will now show actual food as prepared by local employees. Wanna see that Subway sandwich again? I'll bet you don't. Ditto the "sizzling" hot bacon perched on tongs. Nope. Now you have to show Joey Pimply Minimumwage putting the par-cooked "bacon" into the "magic oven."
Ditto Taco Bell. No more flaming grill with a piece of prime steerflesh being tossed on it. Face it, would you ever want to see a TB employee anywhere near an open flame?
On America's Got No Voice Talent (and all its cousins), one judge must actually speak the truth: "Well, Cheyenne, your intonation, in a word, sucks. You're oversinging. Too many notes per syllable. We already have one Mariah Carey, and she sounds like a Manx in a microwave." In fact, get those smug douchenozzles from cooking contests to judge second-rate wedding-band singers. They don't like anything.
In the last month of the NBA season, when a team (home or visitor) sits down a non-injured starter, subtract a dollar from the price of beers for that game.
The following songs are now banned forever. Original artists must ask for permission:
- Wagon Wheel
- Mustang Sally
- Stairway to Heaven
- Sweet Home Alabama
- Can't You See
- Free Bird
- Anything by Rush
Cowbells, unless strung around the necks of bovines, should be buried in the Enrico Fermi memorial landfill.
Any use of "uber." Especially without the umlaut. Want more?
- eye test
- talking point
- cognitive dissonance
BY THE WAY, PANINI IS PLURAL. ONE EATS A PANINO! YOU ARE AN ALUMNUS OR ALUMNA, NOT AN ALUMNI! LEARN ITALIAN PLURALS!
Sargento cheese. French's mustard. Old El Paso anything. Miracle Whip. To that point, Kraft anything, as well. "Gourmet" pet food. Beer with fruit flavors. Any pizza with the word "stuffed" in the menu description. Ragu. Wine that tastes like Hi-C. I could go on.
Awards shows: Oscar, Emmy, Grammy, Tony. All others: burned like a Salem wiccan.
TV chefs must not use the word "clean" ever again. Unless they are referring to dirty serving tools. What is "clean" flavor? Something sans botulism?
No more TV series for Emeril. Until his head size goes below 8½. Guy Fieri, just stop, will you?
Okay, I'm done for now. Gonna taste a raviolo.