Friday, August 14, 2015

(More) New Rules

Yes, I have checked in on this before. Felt like a revisit.

Restaurants will now show actual food as prepared by local employees. Wanna see that Subway sandwich again? I'll bet you don't. Ditto the "sizzling" hot bacon perched on tongs. Nope. Now you have to show Joey Pimply Minimumwage putting the par-cooked "bacon" into the "magic oven."

Ditto Taco Bell. No more flaming grill with a piece of prime steerflesh being tossed on it. Face it, would you ever want to see a TB employee anywhere near an open flame?

On America's Got No Voice Talent (and all its cousins), one judge must actually speak the truth: "Well, Cheyenne, your intonation, in a word, sucks. You're oversinging. Too many notes per syllable. We already have one Mariah Carey, and she sounds like a Manx in a microwave." In fact, get those smug douchenozzles from cooking contests to judge second-rate wedding-band singers. They don't like anything.

In the NFL, if you score a touchdown and decide to execute a cute little "I'm special" gavotte, the other team should be able to pummel you until you stop prancing. Add NFL: ban all cheerleaders. They: a) do not lead cheers; b) dress like saucy tarts; c) objectify and marginalize women of substance; d) use the oxygen of others. Do I need to mention the half-century-old, Lada Edmund Jr. go-go boots?

In the last month of the NBA season, when a team (home or visitor) sits down a non-injured starter, subtract a dollar from the price of beers for that game.

The following songs are now banned forever. Original artists must ask for permission:

  • Wagon Wheel
  • Mustang Sally
  • Stairway to Heaven
  • Sweet Home Alabama
  • Wipeout
  • Can't You See
  • Free Bird
  • Anything by Rush

Cowbells, unless strung around the necks of bovines, should be buried in the Enrico Fermi memorial landfill.

Any use of "uber." Especially without the umlaut. Want more?

  • eye test
  • talking point
  • cognitive dissonance
  • resonate
  • optics


Ban all trophies, ribbons and awards for people under 18. No names on the backs of youth sports unis. And no "Tawnee's Mom" t-shirts allowed for spectating parents. No travel teams for kids. Just let them play.

Sargento cheese. French's mustard. Old El Paso anything. Miracle Whip. To that point, Kraft anything, as well. "Gourmet" pet food. Beer with fruit flavors. Any pizza with the word "stuffed" in the menu description. Ragu. Wine that tastes like Hi-C. I could go on.

Awards shows: Oscar, Emmy, Grammy, Tony. All others: burned like a Salem wiccan.

TV chefs must not use the word "clean" ever again. Unless they are referring to dirty serving tools. What is "clean" flavor? Something sans botulism?

No more TV series for Emeril. Until his head size goes below 8½. Guy Fieri, just stop, will you?

Okay, I'm done for now. Gonna taste a raviolo.

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