Friday, May 9, 2014

King for a Day [May 9]

Just a day. That's all I ask. Just some minor changes would suit me fine.

Food and Drink: No more wine can be sold containing fruit other than grapes. Ixnay on Pomegranate Chardonnay or Kiwi Pinot Grigio. Ditto for beer with Nestle's Crunch added.

Fast-food places would have to show mandatory, on-premise videos of how their “chjicken” nuggets and baloney-based “turkey” are made. Then see if you're still hungry.

In TV food, hosts are barred from saying, “If you wouldn't drink it, don't cook with it,” regarding wine. I have heard this only 8,296 times. Plus: Rachael Ray would have her own channel and cannot appear elsewhere. Cost: $200/month.

In Vendendum Veritas: A radical idea: truth in commercials. All food product must be shown as prepared on site, not lacquered up by people in berets and combat boots. Instead of a $2,000 day for a food stylist, you'd just have underpaid workers from Mishigasistan do the job. Hear that, Subway? Think of the savings!

Do you really think Taco Bell would allow any of its Nobel-laureate staff anywhere near a flame grill?

If you have to identify or put a personalized garment on a celebrity endorser, the ad will be pulled.


All stores except grocery would be closed on the Sunday after Thanksgiving. Maybe we could actually give thanks.

Sports: Make golf holes a foot in diameter. Add windmills, bridges and labyrinths to the course. Spectators are encouraged to yell during putts. Since golf “fans” care only about “notables,” bring in Central American docs with some potent elixirs and robotic arms so that Tiger, Phil and those two other famous golfers can be seen on Sunday.

Pare the women's NCAA basketball tourney down to UConn and the seven teams who might come within twenty points of them. Then have real brackets for all the other schools. The result: no more 89-12 games in the first round.

In pro football, every score counts one point. Bye-bye spread, adios bookies. Marching bands and drum corps at Super Bowl halftimes instead of lipsynching posers. Plus, if you score a touchdown and dance afterward in the end zone, the other team can still hit you. Hair extensions must be firmly attached to helmets, too.

Extend the goal in soccer to twice its current width. Now we'll hear news readers say, “And Tottenham have edged Arsenal, 23-22.”

Every time officials are correct on replay challenges, add one point, goal or run to the non-kvetching team. Five points in hoops.

Ballpark and stadium beers are capped at $5 per. If you insist on a Belgian Yachtmeister Honey Yeastdonk made by shriveled monks, you're on your own.

Music: Gotta fix radio first. However, I have huge idea on this which one of you will steal from me, so I'm mum there. Aside from that, all programming people must take a music-knowledge test to hold that position (e.g., “Who played additional lead guitar on 'While My Guitar Gently Weeps'?”). This will eliminate the brain-addled MBAs who now make music decisions. And do away with the insipid, tasteless pabulum they dish up.

Television: Each cable broadcaster must be called by a more accurate name, such as: The Knuckledragger Channel and The We Will Show Bosoms on Occasion Network. Instead of the usual “Mature” and “Brain Evaporating” ratings, just assign an IQ number to each show. Done.

Social Networking: Every time you type “alot” or “your right,” one canine/feline picture is removed from your pages.

Polygraphs in bars makes perfect sense to me. So I'm cute, eh? Prove it.

Politics: Figure out a way to match England's death-by-handgun rate and we're cool.

Bernie Sanders/Elizabeth Warren in 2016 would solve a ton of problems. Don't care which one is prexy or veep.

That's it for now. Not asking alot—oops—for much, am I?

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