Friday, May 30, 2014

The Nigh-Ultimate, Semi-Official, Bi-gender Lexicon [May 30]

This is a project I've kept under wraps—and probably for good reason. So, in the penultimate MDE, the ensuing is submitted for your howls and scowls. Cross-references in green.


friend Men whom we never want to see again, much less date. A guy we go to a bar with, watch the game and drink Jaeger bombs.
shoes Something to be purchased for any special occasion, even a scrapbooking party. Something that has to worn to get served at a bar. Three types: work, sneakers and flip-flops. Also Frye boots for weddings.
wedding A reason to buy shoes. Reason to find your tie, unsnip the closed vent on sport coat and hope for open bar. See also: shoes.
girlfriend Any female to whom we speak. What we call her after one date to a slasher film and Wendy's.
boyfriend A term not used until he has spent some serious jingle on us, stated his exact intentions AND met our parents. [deleted]. See also gay.
mother The woman you call daily to tell her about the quinoa salad you had for lunch, the latest episode of "Revenge" and why you're not speaking to that Audrey Pfister. The nice woman who raised you.
drinking The ingestion of a liquid. The ingestion of lager beverages, cheap wine and, of course, Jaeger Bombs. This activity may happen at any time, for any reason.
fun An adjective used to describe $239 party settings at Pottery Barn. Anything involving drinking.
shopping An all-day activity covering 78 miles, $579 and three purchases.  Heading to the packy to buy beer and Jaeger. See drinking.
space When used after "I need some ...," denoting to boyfriend that he is toast. "Move over open the sofa; we're going into overtime."
five minutes A half-hour, particularly in preparation for going out. How much time the clock reads when there is actually a half-hour left in the game.
that A word preceding something despised. e. g., "Oh, is Cliff going out with that Audrey Pfister now?" A pronoun used to denote an object or idea. Usually replaced by pointing.
gay Describing a very dear male who is treated with love, kindness and respect. I can share anything with him. a) Cycling shorts; b) Broadway show tunes; c) Richard Simmons.
sports Outdoor activities. Life.
down there The place where our, er, you know, thing is. Florida or, for the truly urbane, Australia.
underwear Expensive, sexy apparel items that men should never see. Necessary shorts that we buy in six packs and then throw away. Includes useless fly.
penis A necessary evil. The #1 reason we date. Has 3,034 synonyms.
dog A pet we treat with tenderness and affection. We address and caress them, often using a cuddly voice that we would never use with men. Something you take hunting.
marriage What we demand after your salary tops $250,000 per annum. A deterrent to coitus.
coitus A deterrent to sleep. In chronological order: Sealy Calisthenics, my completion, roll over, slumber.
nothing (as an answer to "What's wrong?") Something. Nothing.
breasts "The girls." We reserve the right to show them off, but don't look. Reason #2 for dating.
cuddling What he won't do as you watch a DVD of "Sleepless in Seattle." A mandatory prelude to coitus.
napping An activity when men effect to get out of doing something. Life.
her father The man who can pack a car, fix a faucet, and in general, do everything better than you. A man whose grill you never approach.
cooking Taking the time to buy wholesome, tasty foods and preparing them with diligence and artistry. Throwing a slab of meat on a grill and incinerating it. Usually accompanied by drinking.
well An adverb used to begin a sentence when we are about to ream you a new aperture or drop a bomb. Where you get water while camping.

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