Saturday, May 10, 2014

Safe Summer Films [May 10]

After attending both the Teabagger Film Festival and its near/far pardner, The Sensitivity Cinema Workshop, I have unearthed some fabulous summer films. Each of them has been vetted for your protection and promises to offend no one, except for some pantywaist liberals and non-Christians. Herewith, my treasure trove.

Puff, the Vegan Shark: Residents of touristy Enmity Island become suspicious when two parts of young Toby Kintner show up on the beach. Mayor Stu Fletcher (Ed O'Neill) suspects a shark is responsible and is determined to have the beast dispatched. He hires grizzled old sea captain Quint (Robert Duvall), who along with head cop Brody (Greg Kinnear) and oceanographer Brandi Hooper (Pink), finds a great white who has a fondness for arugula. When Brody and Hooper start canoodling below deck, Quint sets them adrift in an inflatable, then befriends Puff and follows the shark to a tropical island, where they live out their days, frolicking in the mist. In the end it is revealed that the psychotic Mrs. Kintner (Nora Dunn) bisected her son.

The Inglorious Sons o' Guns: Brad Pitt reprises his role as guerrilla captain Aldo Raines, whose men love playing pranks on the local Nazis. But on Christmas Day, the combatants get together and have an extramural soccer game. Afterward, they all go to a movie and the Sons o' Guns convert to Christianity. With Naomi Watts and Either Bill Paxton or Bill Pullman.

Dances with Caligula: A rollicking good time in ancient Rome as “da Lig” (Fitty Cent) abolishes bacchanals and replaces them with some busta-move dance parties. Featuring the Soul Train Gang and a special guest spot by Cicely Tyson as “Ma Lig”. Music by Pharrell Williams.

Searching for Michael Moore: The first drama about the secret life of the docu-king. In this gravitas-laden feature, Moore (Jonah Hill) decides he needs some love in his life, and meets her in the form of Jolene Przbylinski (Melissa McCarthy) in Hop Bottom, Pennsylvania. He moves there and gets a job as a firearms instructor at the local high school. He expands his talents to martial arts sensei, to help kids combat local bullies. In the meantime, Moore keeps the local paper-clip factory solvent by removing the greedy union and lowering wages.

The Touchables: Eliot Ness (Matthew McConaughey), famed Chicago crimefighter, is out to get Al Capone (Scott Baio) for once and all. But they meet by accident at a trattoria and Capone takes Ness downstairs to sample some perky, svelte Montepulciano d'Abruzzo. The men drink and hug, while Ness comes to the realization that The Volstead act is useless. He leaves his wife and job and becomes a wealthy “importer.”

Psyched!: While on a field trip, Ms. Edna Van Dike (Jane Lynch) takes her high school spelunking class to a swamp, where they find a half-buried car. In the trunk is some newsprint swaddling a huge brick of cash. As a storm strikes, they take cover at the nearby Bates Hotel, where Norman Bates (Garry Shandling) treats the kids to sandwiches and parlor games such as “Find the Peephole.” Everyone votes to use the newfound money to spruce up the ratty hostelry and turn it into the world's first overnight cheerleading camp. Even Norman, wearing various frocks, gets into the act! Go, team, GO!

Scarsdale Story: For years, the neighboring Funmere and Putzwood country clubs have been at war in this tony community. Well, the latter was closed on Saturdays—if you get my drift. But one night, Pembroke Featherington (Toby Maguire) and Rhonda Feinstein (Fran Drescher) meet by the boat house and boy, do the ecumenical sparks fly! Their fathers (Robert Wagner and Gabe Kaplan) battle at first, until all realize that both clubs are failing. The groups merge … and it's croquet and lox for everyone! Music by Bono and Barry Manilow.

See youse this summer, safely at the movies!

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