True chats. As verbatim as I can make 'em. Content through the years. Yes, I love cashiers of all stripes.
Basrtender: So I hear your daughter's playing music.
Uncle Acey: Correct. She's a music major at Temple.
B: Well, my son plays in the sympathy orchestra in Williamsport.
UA: What a nice gift. What kind of blender is that?
Newlywed Bride: It's an Ostracizer.
UA: So, when you turn it on, does it kick you out of the kitchen?
Female Friend: My sister Chelsea is kinds goin' out with this guy, but it's strictly platomic.
UA: Does he live in D. C.?
Fan at Wedding: Hey Ace, the band sounds good. Here's my girlfriend Lori. C'mon Lori give 'im a kiss. He's a famous drummer.
[Lori obliges. I eye the open bar.]
FaW: Say could youse play a song? Y'know that one from the movie where where Richard Gere plays that flyboy, and he's bangin' Debra Winger in that hotel alla time.
UA: Oh, An Officer and a Gentleman.
FaW: Yeah. Play "The Lift Is Up."
Guy in Line: Yeah, I work in Traffic Control.
UA: I did that one summer. Had to time certain routes and note traffic flow.
GiL: Well, I hold up the stop/slow sign.
UA: Did you ever drop it?
GiL: No way.
[At a farewell concert]
Fan: So's the band breakin' up?
UA: No, we're moving to California.
F: So then this is your final debut.
[In Tulsa. I approach a convenience-store cashier with some beer and place it on the counter]
Cashier: You gonna go 'head and git that, now?
UA: Well, I believe I have already gone ahead and gotten it. I should like to pay for it now.
C: Wanna sack?
UA: A sack would be splendid.
[Buying a small tank of helium for party balloons]
UA: I dunno, this feels a little light. Maybe it's not full.
Cashier: That does feel light. Would you like to pick out another?
UA: No, I'll take my chances with this one.
Bar Patron: I been to Connecticut. I have a sister in New Haven [accent misplaced on first syllable, BTW]. I go visit her all the time.
UA: I hear they have a couple of colleges there.
BP: I wouldn't know about that.
Fan at Bar: Hey Ace, play some Phil Columns.
UA: Does anyone around here use the verb form doesn't?
Coal Country Cashier: It don't matter.
Server: Fresh grated pepper on your salad, sir?
UA: No, I'm driving.
[Guest teaching a mini course at my alma mater]
UA: There's a conflagration outside my classroom window.
Assistant Principal: A fight? Where?
In my golden years, I continue to amuse myself in small ways. I share them with you, my faithful readers.