Wednesday, May 11, 2016

If I Ran Television ...

Everyone kvetches. "A zillion channels, but nothing worth watching."

Heck I can fix that. Below, some modest proposals for shows and networks, all doable.

The Pink Floyd Channel - Can't get to sleep? I know the feeling. 24/7 Floyd vids. Commercials by ZZZquil, Ambien and Tylenol PM. Guaranteed: no tempi over 72 beats per minute. Nighty-night!

Grammarian Sports - All your favorite sports talking heads ... plus athletes! Here's the nifty catch. Each time someone abuses the language, a stern, prim schoolmarm (armed with a Taser) corrects these gaffes, and the speaker cannot proceed until s/he corrects the error. Add in a smart electric zapadoo for every "y'know."

The Little Rascals Channel - Just think, your favorite classics at your disposal. Unexpurgated too, no matter what Cosby says. I can hear that cake go "Weep ... Wow" already. Hey goat hold it, there's a baby throwing money out the window! O-tay!

The Free Bird Channel - Perfect for frat hazing, annoyance or just plain torture, this network would offer continuous Skynyrd covers by a melange of garage (and garbage!) bands.

The Deadliest Hunters - A savvy group of camo guys, all outfitted with the latest kit, track animals using high-tech appurtenances and manly ordnance. BUT, in the same woods are Jimmy Ed Tarbox and his mouth-breathing clan, banged-up on moonshine and loaded for bear ... and hunters encroaching on their property.

Emeril Returns - Our fave Mass-Cajun chef tries a new tack: This time around, his army of minions backstage perfecting the "heroes" are nowhere to be found. Ergo, he's actually cooking. Don't miss the Rachael Ray swimsuit episode. BAM!

Morgan Freeman Phone Messages - Just send in your personalized greeting and The Voice of God will read it on the air, enabling your IDroid to resonate with magic and importance.

Transgender Sumo - Self explanatory.

The No-Tune Network - Your fave music vids—all with the AutoTune stripped from vocals. Amuse your friends! Here's what Adele and Taylor really sound like.

The Non-Harmon Channel - A lively gallimaufry of tube fun and adventure. Plus—believe it or not—not one show includes Mark Harmon!

The Deadliest Ketch - The trials and tribs of the well-bred, nasal yacht set in Newport, RI. Duly soapy brine. What are Courtwright's TopSiders doing under Agnetha's bed? Tune in to find out. Racy, indeed.

I'm watching, DVR at the ready. Check your leastings.

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